Josh...last night we talked. A lot. Like, all night, sprawled on the couch. Do you know how hard it is to think clearly when you're all wrapped up in someone and you know you're completely safe? I had to get up, and pace and walk...and the boy knows me too well, and the look in his eyes...ugh.
He asked me what I thought about marriage...what I thought about making this forever. And god, GOD, how I wanted to say 'Just ask me and find out you moron...I don't think you'll be too upset with the answer.' I wanted to see that grin he gets when something happens with us, when we get closer. The one he got when I told him that I loved him, the one he got when I came back to him that day I spazzed and said I was sorry and that I was a moron. I wanted to make him happy...you know how long it's been since I just wanted someone else happy...and GODDAMNIT I COULDN'T. I had to untangle myself away and sit away to think. I had to tell him I didn't know. I had to tell him that things are weird for me and that I love him but I just don't know...I had to see that hurt look in his eyes. I had to see him try to cover it up so I couldn't see, because he wants me happy too. I had to hear him ask what I wanted then, and I had to see him look at me, searching for me to say words to make it all better. I tell him 'I'm in love with you and I can't take life without you'...instead he had to hear me say 'I love you...but...I don't know what I want anymore.' He asked if I wanted to end it...I hesitated before I said no. I can't do that. I can't fucking do that, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't. But it's all...shattered. He has that look like he knows this won't last anymore. Like my answer of I want to stay will change to I have to go. And it hurts all over to see.
And damnit...I FUCKING HATE WHEN THEY'RE RIGHT.