The Muses (muse_journal) wrote,
The Muses
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Psyche

You make up one morning and the world is a completely different one than the one you feel asleep in just the night before. You were never sure you liked what was happening in your previous life...but once its gone...you just want it back. And there is no way you can. It's gone. It's changed. The world moved on and didn't give a damn how you would feel about it.

They're dead...and it's my fault. I know it is. I didn't want them...I didn't want them so now they're gone...and I want them back. I want to know what kind of damn wacky hair color would have gotten passed unto them thanks to Jason. I want to know what faces Jason would have made while I mentioned names that he hated but would never actually speak out against. I want to see how big his smile would have been when he held them. I want to know who they would look like. If they would have my eyes. I was scarred out of my mind but damnit...I wanted them. It took a while...but I did...and now I can't have them. The universe is mocking me. Should I be surprised...it gave me a family that did nothing but hurt me. I finally found someplace safe...I finally thought maybe...I could do the family thing...and finally have one that was right. I just started to feel like I could do it...but no. I'm not meant to have that. I knew better. And it's my fault.

I killed them. I had to have done something wrong...no...I know I did things wrong. I didn't want them...I spazzed. I..when I was younger...hell even just before...my body couldn't...and I didn't try hard enough...and I didn't always stay in bed like I was supposed to or eat what I was supposed to. Part of him blames me...I know it does. He'll never say it. But it's there...in his eyes that are so damn sad. He wanted this...and I didn't. He's hurting...and it's my fault. I just...can't win. Not ever.
Tags: psyche
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