They're dead...and it's my fault. I know it is. I didn't want them...I didn't want them so now they're gone...and I want them back. I want to know what kind of damn wacky hair color would have gotten passed unto them thanks to Jason. I want to know what faces Jason would have made while I mentioned names that he hated but would never actually speak out against. I want to see how big his smile would have been when he held them. I want to know who they would look like. If they would have my eyes. I was scarred out of my mind but damnit...I wanted them. It took a while...but I did...and now I can't have them. The universe is mocking me. Should I be surprised...it gave me a family that did nothing but hurt me. I finally found someplace safe...I finally thought maybe...I could do the family thing...and finally have one that was right. I just started to feel like I could do it...but no. I'm not meant to have that. I knew better. And it's my fault.
I killed them. I had to have done something wrong...no...I know I did things wrong. I didn't want them...I spazzed. I..when I was younger...hell even just before...my body couldn't...and I didn't try hard enough...and I didn't always stay in bed like I was supposed to or eat what I was supposed to. Part of him blames me...I know it does. He'll never say it. But it's there...in his eyes that are so damn sad. He wanted this...and I didn't. He's hurting...and it's my fault. I just...can't win. Not ever.