Morca came up to me yesterday. I don't know if Maddy told her...or she just guessed...but she wanted me to talk to someone about moving. And I had to think.
I just want to go somewhere where I'm...wanted? I love this house. I've been here for twelve years, and for the longest time I figured I could always live here. Because people wanted me here. I was safe and I was loved.
But lately....I don't know...so much shit has been happening. Drake and Eph, and their little boy, and I just know that someone wants me out. Maybe I'm overplaying stuff, but even though I know Drake and I will never be as close as we were...hell...10 years ago, I just hate the way he's acting. Like I'm not supposed to be here anymore. Like I'm screwing everything up. I was supposed to leave when Josh came into the picture, and he doesn't want me around. When the owner of the house wants me out, I know I should get moving.
For a long time I refused to think that, though. I had my kids. They needed me, I needed to be there, be their mom...but fuck...I can't even do that anymore. I know Catty could never be very close to me, and I don't blame her for embracing Ephonine as her mother. I'm even happy that she found someone that she could trust as a real mom. And Will, well, he goes to whomever he trusts at the moment. I've seen him come to me, to Eph, to Dria, to Morca, to Emi. And that's fine, he's still William. But...Lira. My little girl, my baby girl, the light in all the crap I've gone through for the past five years. I know she's always loved Eph, but I was still mommy. I was the one she came to. And lately...I don't know. I feel like she's been taken away from me. She got in a scrape today, and she called for Eph. She needs help, she asks Eph. I love Lira, and maybe I'm being a bitch about my own daughter...if she feels like Eph can help her more, than maybe...I don't know...it feels like she's being taken away from me. And it hurts, to feel like she doesn't need me anymore because she has someone else. So maybe I don't need to be around here anymore. I could never leave completely, I would have to be here sometimes, but I'm not needed on a constant basis like I used to be. So maybe it's time to leave.
Maybe Morca's right...maybe I'll talk to Dria. *Shrugs* Maybe Drake, but I don't want to count on that one happening. It's just all not working right now. I'll think on it for a while. I just know that I have an open invitation at Josh's, and I think maybe I'd be happy there.