Log in

No account? Create an account
Fine, sue me. It'll make my day.
20 most recent entries

Date:2007-04-28 23:20
Mood: distressed

Figures. I'm unable to walk AND I'm PMSing. The world loves me.

And it all mixes into one perfect little cocktail that I just...every time Connor leaves the room I've broken down into a little pathetic thing, and I have to recover before he gets back. Why?

It's not even something that should bother me. I'm frustrated because I feel pathetic, I'm in pain, my pride is as bruised as my hip...but it's not at all the same. Nothing. I fell off my horse and my fiance, my perfect, amazing fiance is taking care of me, more than I've had in years. And it's nothing...

But every time I seem to just keep reliving that crap that was, what, 20 years ago? I couldn't move for three days because I had lashes across my back so deep I screamed every time I rolled over. It was the first time Chanelle kept watch on me. It hurt and I still have the scars....but why do I keep remembering that? Why does an injury from a horse equate to that in my crazy brain?

And I don't talk to him. Because it sounds so crazy, it's so stupid. And he's just...he's as far away from that as I could ever get. That was hell, and he is my savior. I don't tell him much. I don't let him see my scars...I mean, he's seen them. But I don't...it's different. It's the last part of my world that he hasn't heard a lot about. He's heard more about Drake, what I went through with Catty, all of that...than when I was a slave. Because I don't want to mix them. He's not that.

But I should. Because I keep breaking apart and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of hiding it. And he knows better than to think I'm fine when I say I am. So...that's just messing with everything. But...I don't know.

I hate feeling so trapped and pathetic. And it's just adding on and making things worse. I don't want to deal with it.


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2006-07-18 00:39
Mood: pissed off

We know Ice has gone crazy when she writes here.


I miss him, okay? I'm a bitch, I'm a terrible person, I don't go after him and then I miss him like crazy but act like I could have nothing better to do than forget him. I know how I work. I'm WELL aware I'm an idiot and a brat. But...I didn't realize I missed him this damn much. He called and talked to them, I know it. I never expected him to talk to me if he called, so I don't care. But...he called. He's out there, and he's calling instead of coming back. I was holding onto that. I thought it was just an explosion of our spats before, he disappears into one room and me into the other and then we come out and find each other.

I guess I should have figured that when he grabbed the rest of his clothed I was pretty much fucked...

But his guitar was here....and so I let him do his thing. And I was a bitch about it. I growled and hissed and got dressed up and smashed more than once in that first week. Moved my stuff back to my old room and refused to go into his. I tugged on a mask that I was so deliciously familiar that I stuck to that. It was fine. He was gone, it was over, I didn't need anything from him.

And now...shit. I should have gone after him. I know I should have. We both needed time to chill out, but he was there. Just a mile's walk. I could have taken 7 minutes of my day to run there and talk to him...then he disappeared. And like I said...I let him do that. I was a brat, but I let him. And he's been gone for three weeks. I missed his fucking birthday. In August we'll have been this screwed up pair for a year. We can't make it a year. I can't wear the ring because in my first week mode I figured it was all over and I had nothing to worry or care about. Now I just am afraid that's really what it was. And it would be mostly my fault, because I didn't go after him.

Not entirely my fault, because the bastard was the one that left in the first place.

I want to smash in walls and hurt people, or get lost in someone and let out all my frustration in ways that may hurt but only at first. I can't do the latter, and the former usually gets me in some sort of trouble, and I don't feel like dealing with arguing over whether I have to pay for the broken window again.

My time is running out...I thought I had forever to decide but no. This is half a dozen years of my life sitting just beyond a border on my ex's couch, letting go of half a dozen years of his life. I want to keep that. But I don't want to find out if it's gone. But if I wait any longer it will be.

God fucking damnit.

I can't stand the thought of him without that guitar. It doesn't sound right when I play it after he hasn't. And that note always ends up in the strings. If he's sorry he should get his ass back here.

I want his ass back in this house. I want to bitch at him and rip him apart and slam him against a wall and taste every bit of him again. Feel what I felt last year. Let him know how much I would collpase without his irritatingly necessary prescence. Tell him that I kind of love him.


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2006-05-30 21:16
Subject:Drake Questions



Full name: Draken Alexander Valentino Perdido Casmanien


Were you named after anyone or anything? Draken was merely my mother’s preference. Valentino came from my grandfather. Alexander and Perdido both came from the man who took on the role of father for my mother once her birth father passed.


What are your nicknames? Drake and I suppose Drakie


How did you get your nicknames? Drake was a simple shortening of my name. Drakie seems to have become a favorite pet name among my acquaintances of the female persuasion.


Would you name your children after you? I actually believe I have avoided that.


Gender: Male


Race: Caucasian


Birthday: September 12


Age: 36


Age you act: I would assume 36


Birth place: Larine Falls


Where did you grow up? Truly, I grew up on the streets.


Religion: I don’t know that I have one. My mother was a Catholic. I have merely remained a bystander.


Height: 5’ 11”


Eye color: Blue


Hair color: Blonde


Are you a righty or a lefty? I am left-handed.


Have any piercings? No. If so, where? N/A


Tattoos? It is more of a brand than a tattoo. Where at? It is on the inside of my left wrist.


If not, do you want any (piercings or tattoos)? I shall refrain.


On a scale 1-10, rate yourself, 10 being the highest and 1 lowest: 10


What is your favorite thing about yourself? I appreciate my will to survive


Least favorite thing? My need to occasionally overstep the boundaries I have set for myself in order to get what I want.


Are you perceived wrong? I am often perceived incorrectly. But I am rarely perceived in a manner that I do not wish to be perceived.


Love Life:


Are you single? I am not.


Who are you with, or who do you want to be with? I am with the woman who stood by me through every mistake I ever made, and who continues to save my ass whenever she can.


Are you in love? I am.


Have you ever been in love, and if so, how many times? I have. I would say twice.


How many were serious relationships? Both were incredibly serious.


Number of people dated: I don’t know that I’ve ever actually dated anyone.


Ever told someone you loved them and didn’t mean it? I’ve told someone I loved them and not meant it in the context they wished.


On a date, who should pay? I should.


Have you ever showered with someone? Is this relevant? Yes.


What personality traits do you look for in the opposite sex? I am attracted to a woman who is unafraid of standing up for herself, a woman who exudes confidence even if she does not always have it, a secret fire and passion lurking within her eyes.


What's the first thing you notice (physically) about them? I think hair.


Is it possible to be faithful to one person forever? I believe it is possible. I am not however a man one could make an example of.


Do you want to get married and have kids? I am married and I have three children, two girls and one boy.


If so, how many, what gender and what will their names be? There are three of them, two girls and one boy. The oldest is Catherina. My youngest girl is Lirael. My son’s name is Aiden.


Do you believe there is someone for everyone? With the amount of people that exist upon this planet undoubtedly there is someone for everyone. Though that does not necessarily mean there is a romantic relationship for everyone. I merely believe that everyone has a soul mate.


Do you think the opposite sex finds you attractive? I am aware of this.


Have you had your heart broken? How many times? I don’t suppose I have. I’m not one to delve into my emotions too often. I have however had times when I truly believed I had let go of the people who mattered most to me. If I were to pinpoint certain times, I would have to say there are two times that stick out clearly for me, Trish not telling me about Catherina until years too late and Eph leaving.


Are you a virgin? My children appeared due to osmosis.


Do You…


Smoke? On occasion


Drink? I do.


Do drugs? I have


Pray? I do. It’s not a common occurrence, but now and again its nice to talk to someone you believe might just have control over everything that is going on.


Go to church? I do not.


Sleep around? No.


Steal? It’s been a while. Now I play a lovely game of influence and blackmail.


Lie a lot? Not to people whom I care for.


Cuddle? On occasion


Believe in the Easter bunny? I merely have one question. What do these three things have in common: Jesus, a bunny, and eggs?


Believe in any other legend/mythical character? Sadly, I do not.


Ever embarrass yourself? I believe we all do.


Like to shop? I do not find it the most horrible of things that I have ever had to do.


Drive? I do, though horses are the preferred transportation for short distances


Make dinner? I have…though I am not skilled.


Wear underwear? I do.


Have you ever…


Spun around until you were so dizzy you couldn’t walk? Not since I was young.


Screamed so much you lost your voice? I don’t believe so.


Laughed so much it was painful? I have.


Cried yourself to sleep? I’m not really an emotional person.


Gone skinny dipping? Yes.


Ran away from home? I did, that was how I met Lilah.


Slept outside? Again, that is how I met Lilah.


Been on stage? Not the way I believe you are asking.


Been to a concert? If so what ones? I have been to several actually. (I don’t think they meant orchestra.) They did not specify.


Done something unexpected? I often do.


Kissed a stranger? Yes.


Slept with a stranger? Yes.


Been to another state, if so what one(s)? It’s hard to explain how we really exist and where.


Been to another country, what one(s)? I have been to England, Spain, and Italy


Kissed in the rain? Yes.


Killed someone? Yes.


Got beaten up? Yes. (*giggles*)


Beat someone up? Yes.


Talked on the phone all night? No.


Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes.


Met a famous person? I am a famous person. And I am married to the daughter of our governing force.


Had a nervous breakdown? Not truly.



(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2006-05-11 17:22
Mood: angry

Luke is an IDIOT!

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2006-03-24 15:00
Mood: guilty

I went to a club last night with my sister and her friends. Danced a little...then went to sit at the bar. I just wanted to relax for a few minutes. Instead a brunette girl sauntered up, sitting herself next to me and trying to get my attention. Eventually I gave into the girl...she was determined...and sat and talked to her for a while. She was cute. No, that's a lie. She was beautiful. Blue eyes and wavy hair and about my height. She was nice, too. We talked for a while, about random things. Then she grabbed my hand and, pretty smile and all, dragged me out onto the dance floor. I wanted to tell her no...but the part of me dead set on getting me to go in a forward direction kept me quiet. So we danced for a while. She would flash me those smiles...ones that should render any passerby speechless and she would touch my arm and mess with my hair. She was fun and pretty and nice...I should have melted over her.

She leaned up to kiss me...and it all broke. I couldn't kiss her. I couldn't let her kiss me. It was...wrong, somehow, to have someone kissing me. As lovely as she was...I couldn't just kiss her. I think I jumped away, stammered an apology, and escaped out the front door and holed up in the cafe next door until my sister found me. She said the girl wanted to know if I was alright. *Shakes head* I let everyone stay dancing and stuck around the cafe until they decided to drive home, without going back into the club.

It's been almost two months. I'm not going into woe is me territory, since that's not quite how I work, but...I still miss her. She calls on the occasion, but the last time I saw her was when we had dinner. I'm starting to dive when the phone rings. What the hell?

In any other state, after last night I would have a phone number written on my hand and a date tomorrow. I haven't gone through this scenario often, but on the rare time or two that's how it worked out. But now, when a pretty girl tries to kiss me, all my mind can drag up is pink hair and combat boots. I'm still a bit in love with her, it seems. I'm supposed to be getting over her. That was the plan. It seems to just be going nowhere.

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-10-23 11:39
Mood: confused

Damnit, I hate it when they're right.

Josh...last night we talked. A lot. Like, all night, sprawled on the couch. Do you know how hard it is to think clearly when you're all wrapped up in someone and you know you're completely safe? I had to get up, and pace and walk...and the boy knows me too well, and the look in his eyes...ugh.

He asked me what I thought about marriage...what I thought about making this forever. And god, GOD, how I wanted to say 'Just ask me and find out you moron...I don't think you'll be too upset with the answer.' I wanted to see that grin he gets when something happens with us, when we get closer. The one he got when I told him that I loved him, the one he got when I came back to him that day I spazzed and said I was sorry and that I was a moron. I wanted to make him happy...you know how long it's been since I just wanted someone else happy...and GODDAMNIT I COULDN'T. I had to untangle myself away and sit away to think. I had to tell him I didn't know. I had to tell him that things are weird for me and that I love him but I just don't know...I had to see that hurt look in his eyes. I had to see him try to cover it up so I couldn't see, because he wants me happy too. I had to hear him ask what I wanted then, and I had to see him look at me, searching for me to say words to make it all better. I tell him 'I'm in love with you and I can't take life without you'...instead he had to hear me say 'I love you...but...I don't know what I want anymore.' He asked if I wanted to end it...I hesitated before I said no. I can't do that. I can't fucking do that, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't. But it's all...shattered. He has that look like he knows this won't last anymore. Like my answer of I want to stay will change to I have to go. And it hurts all over to see.


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-10-15 14:14
Mood: lost

You make up one morning and the world is a completely different one than the one you feel asleep in just the night before. You were never sure you liked what was happening in your previous life...but once its gone...you just want it back. And there is no way you can. It's gone. It's changed. The world moved on and didn't give a damn how you would feel about it.

They're dead...and it's my fault. I know it is. I didn't want them...I didn't want them so now they're gone...and I want them back. I want to know what kind of damn wacky hair color would have gotten passed unto them thanks to Jason. I want to know what faces Jason would have made while I mentioned names that he hated but would never actually speak out against. I want to see how big his smile would have been when he held them. I want to know who they would look like. If they would have my eyes. I was scarred out of my mind but damnit...I wanted them. It took a while...but I did...and now I can't have them. The universe is mocking me. Should I be surprised...it gave me a family that did nothing but hurt me. I finally found someplace safe...I finally thought maybe...I could do the family thing...and finally have one that was right. I just started to feel like I could do it...but no. I'm not meant to have that. I knew better. And it's my fault.

I killed them. I had to have done something wrong...no...I know I did things wrong. I didn't want them...I spazzed. I..when I was younger...hell even just before...my body couldn't...and I didn't try hard enough...and I didn't always stay in bed like I was supposed to or eat what I was supposed to. Part of him blames me...I know it does. He'll never say it. But it's there...in his eyes that are so damn sad. He wanted this...and I didn't. He's hurting...and it's my fault. I just...can't win. Not ever.

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-08-28 19:22
Subject:Tape Recording of the Zack/Lissa Dinner as Transcribed by Lisha

*Meaningless trivial things occur before...Zack's arrival, small bitty small talk and all are included. This begins with Lissa and Zack just having sat down at the dinner table.*

Lissa: 'Becca dear, could you please bring in our dinner? Thank you.

Zack: Well, that's different.

Lissa: I treat my hired help very respectfully. I enjoy knowing that I will neither have my food poisoned nor be smothered in my sleep.

Zack: That does seem to be the way to live.

Lissa: Yes. I'm really quite happy here. We have a beautiful arrangement.

Zack: Arrangement?

Lissa: I have anything and everything I could want. It's nice.

Zack: Oh...well yeah. It's nice.

Lissa: Zack, I have no intention to jump you unless you initiate something. I promise. It's not like he could say much to me though. I mean he does his own thing most of the time. Not that I mind really. He's not too into the mistress thing...its more just girls...he likes them. It doesn't really hurt. I'm not really attached either. Plus, he makes things comfortable for me. I'm good for his image too. A happy wife at home who isn't in the industry. And we have the same view on kids...we want none. It works out.

Zack: But wouldn't you rather have something more?

Lissa: More? No. That's just messy.

Zack: But like being in love with someone...

Lissa: I want stability...I have that.

Zack: I suppose that's something.

Lissa: You got the fairytale. Which is nice enough...I got security. I'm happy.

Zack: That's good.

*Dinner is brought in and for a while there is little conversation and largely just the sound of silver hitting china*

Zack: So, about the thing for Luke.

Lissa: I'll do it.

Zack: You couldn't have just told him that over the phone.

Lissa: I hate using the phone. And I still think Luke is an ass. Pretty to look at but an ass. I didn't feel like talking to him long enough to tell him that.

Zack: That he's an ass or that you would do it?

Lissa: Either one.

*Long silence follows where I assume both finish eating and then they move into the living room both sitting on the couch as Lissa brings out what I do believe are pictures of some kind. What follows is actually a lot of conversation about past events in the house. I assume this means the pictures are of the minis*

Lissa: This one is my favorite.

Zack: It's just all of us.

Lissa: Yes, but we're all smiling. No one hated me.

Zack: No one hates you.

Lissa: Zack, don't kid yourself. You're probably one of the only ones that doesn't.

Zack: Well, then I don't hate you.

Lissa: Thank you.

*Now follows a silence once again but this one doesn't seem as uncomfortable, before they say their goodbyes.*

Lissa: I wouldn't be averse to hearing from you or well anyone sometime.

Zack: Works both ways.

*sounds of what I assume is a hug I do believe began by Zack*

Zack: Take care of yourself.

Lissa: You too.

*Here there is the sound of a kiss of some sort and the closing of a door*

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-08-27 21:13
Mood: confused

I don't normally do a journal thing...like ever. And I don't know that I'll ever repeat it...but everything is just...so confusing. Ok...think this through, Kiera. Alright. Look first at the issue. Jazzy kissed me. There, that's the issue. Now, this on its own is a confusing enough issue. I mean I'm 13...it's not like I regularly kiss anyone...especially a girl. Although, I didn't kiss her, she kissed me...but still. My point still remains basically the same.

Alright...so I've established that this is confusing from the start. Now...lets add in the other issues. Will...likes Jazzy. Now...this is kinda... You know suddenly I feel this need to just look at him and shout "SHE LIKES GIRLS YOU MORON." This though is probably not the best approach. One...he's liked her forever. Two he'd prolly ask how I know and well either way that went it wouldn't go well. So no. I don't tell Willses anything because then...he and I are still fine. I feel really guilty though. I know I didn't do anything but he's my brother and she's his object of infatuation.

Ugh. This is her fault. If she would have just told him rather than ignored him, none of this would have ever happened. He wouldn't have asked me to figure out why she was avoiding him. I wouldn't have cornered her in the hall. And then she would have had no chance to kiss me. Maybe she plotted. Maybe this is all some HUGE conspiracy to cause me to lose me mind. That's it...it has to be it. There is NO OTHER explanation. No..none. I refuse to accept any other. She did this to me on purpose.

Damn short raven haired girl with the huge doe eyes. Damn her!

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-05-06 21:04

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

I also haven't been this mildly creeped by a meme for getting parts of me. Ah. *Walks away*


(3 Voices | How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-03-01 20:22
Mood: indescribable

I'm just posting all over the place here aren't I...*sigh*

Morca came up to me yesterday. I don't know if Maddy told her...or she just guessed...but she wanted me to talk to someone about moving. And I had to think.

I just want to go somewhere where I'm...wanted? I love this house. I've been here for twelve years, and for the longest time I figured I could always live here. Because people wanted me here. I was safe and I was loved.

But lately....I don't know...so much shit has been happening. Drake and Eph, and their little boy, and I just know that someone wants me out. Maybe I'm overplaying stuff, but even though I know Drake and I will never be as close as we were...hell...10 years ago, I just hate the way he's acting. Like I'm not supposed to be here anymore. Like I'm screwing everything up. I was supposed to leave when Josh came into the picture, and he doesn't want me around. When the owner of the house wants me out, I know I should get moving.

For a long time I refused to think that, though. I had my kids. They needed me, I needed to be there, be their mom...but fuck...I can't even do that anymore. I know Catty could never be very close to me, and I don't blame her for embracing Ephonine as her mother. I'm even happy that she found someone that she could trust as a real mom. And Will, well, he goes to whomever he trusts at the moment. I've seen him come to me, to Eph, to Dria, to Morca, to Emi. And that's fine, he's still William. But...Lira. My little girl, my baby girl, the light in all the crap I've gone through for the past five years. I know she's always loved Eph, but I was still mommy. I was the one she came to. And lately...I don't know. I feel like she's been taken away from me. She got in a scrape today, and she called for Eph. She needs help, she asks Eph. I love Lira, and maybe I'm being a bitch about my own daughter...if she feels like Eph can help her more, than maybe...I don't know...it feels like she's being taken away from me. And it hurts, to feel like she doesn't need me anymore because she has someone else. So maybe I don't need to be around here anymore. I could never leave completely, I would have to be here sometimes, but I'm not needed on a constant basis like I used to be. So maybe it's time to leave.

Maybe Morca's right...maybe I'll talk to Dria. *Shrugs* Maybe Drake, but I don't want to count on that one happening. It's just all not working right now. I'll think on it for a while. I just know that I have an open invitation at Josh's, and I think maybe I'd be happy there.


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2005-02-28 21:49
Mood: contemplative


I've been thinking about moving out.


(1 Voice | How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-12-23 23:28
Mood: Terrified & Stressed

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

No, I'm not, I can't be, I mean, no, I'm not. It can't happen. Josh and I...we always....god, there's no WAY it could have happened, I'm always all protected and he...ALWAYS, I swear.

It should be really impossible for me to be pregnant right now, because as previously stated, I have NEVER put myself in a place with Josh where I could so insanely easy get pregnant. Then again, Drake and I did the same that first year, and I have a Catty and quite a few bitter scars to show for all that caution...

I love all three of my kids, even if I still share an emotional wall with one, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. They're three wonderful, incredible things in this insanity I call my life...but...I can't have another one. Not now, at least.

So, see, that clearly all comes together in one plea to whoever the hell has control over this to fix it and tell me I'm not pregnant. Because I'm not. I can't. It's too emotional, too stressful, too much of a blow to a relationship that, quite frankly, keeps me from collapsing every day. I don't want to watch Josh walk away because he's scared of what's happened, and there's no way I can convince myself that he's going to do otherwise. I think we've been together a few days over 4 months, and...well...I see that as reason for him to feel like it's not a commitment. *Shrug*

Maybe I just have...the stomach flu or something. And...stressed. Yeah. That is a perfectly reasonable answer, it's winter, people get sick. And temperature changes and this house and just being me...it all works to get me to my stressed out breaking point. Maybe that's it. I bet it is. Because all of it can be covered with that, so, yeah.

I'll ask Dria about it tomorrow. She can convince me into finding out if I am, and if I'm not, she can give me something to stop the nausea and passing out. So, yeah. It's so just stress. And a stomach something. Yeah.

Not pregnant, nope.

This Rant Brought to you By


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-12-02 20:56
Mood: Loved/Excited/AHH!

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Twelve for twelve years. *Smile*

Day after tomorrow, I get married to my Zack. The almost paralyzing fear is gone, and now I just have very large, vicious, stomach eating butterflies. Everything is ready and and ahhh I'm excited! VERY HYPER EXCITED!

I'M GETTING MARRIED TO HIM. God, I'm so addicted to Zack. It's not even funny, but it feels damn warm and fuzzy. *Giggle grin* I'm sappy today, but prolly cause I really wanna curl up next to Zack and be sappy there. Tomorrow I'm not sleeping in his room, because I'm gonna follow superstitions to an extreme and not let him see me. Unless I get really bored or something, then I'll go and snuggle with him again. Yes, yes I will.

Off to be sappy and excited and fighting gigantic butterflies in my Zackie's lap...


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-11-27 21:49
Mood: worried

Ohh, I haven't done this in a while. Or ever...hmm...

*JUMPS UP AND DOWN A LOT* A WEEK UNTIL ZACK AND I GET MARRIED! Less if you don't count to day, which I would advise you not to, because that means only 6 DAYS. *Squee!*

I'm excited...I'm happy, oh god I don't think I've ever been this happy, not since he asked me. It's turning me into this constantly bubbly mass of insanity, which I'm sure has fully driven everyone mad by now, but I can't help it. Did I mention it's LESS THAN A WEEK?!

*Quiet* But I'm...kind of...scared. Not trembling in my stylish yet affordable boots, maybe I should call it off and run scared. No, I could never do that. It's just...I've seen marriages fall apart. I fell asleep to too much shouting, got thrown into too many fights. I know Zack would never, ever hurt me, and I have faith in him and myself and our relationship, because I know it'll be good and strong. And I know that my parents aren't Zack and I, and that I shouldn't look at that, but at all the great marriages in the house that have stayed strong despite all the crap happening over the years. But I keep getting this nagging voice telling me I'm rushing, or that maybe I should rethink everything. I don't like it, and I'm not listening to it, because it's not right, and I know we're doing everything right, and that I'm just getting jitters. I haven't talked to Zack about it. I don't think I need to, I don't want to do anything to somehow set everything on edge. But...well, I'm scared. I think it'll go away before Saturday, in fact I know it should, but I just don't know what to do until then. *Long pause*

*Suddenly hops up again acting all happy* And I got my wedding dress today! BWAHA! And shoes and all I need is a veil and everything will be perfect. *More squee!*

I guess I should wander back to doing other things...this is kinda fun, though!


(2 Voices | How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-11-09 17:26

*Scene - Catty after drama, packing up all her stuff while she waits for Fi to get done flirting with the drama teacher. Enter: Quentin. Gag.*

Quentin: Hey, Catty?

Catty: *Jumps and turns around, holding a Glinda wand in her hand. Someone gave it to her earlier, and she still has it. She frowns.* Quentin. Hi. *Turns back to keep trying to zip her book bag*

Quentin: I was watching. You're good...

Catty: Nice.

Quentin: Really good.

Catty: Thanks, I guess. *Finally emerges victorious with her book bag and starts to turn to leave.* Well, err, I guess it was okay talking to--

Quentin: Is that Sev? *Nods toward the guy that is Marius, and earlier was singing Dancing Through Life with Catty while others rehearsed.*

Catty: *Stares and slowly shakes her head* No. I don't go to school with Sev. Why are you here?

Quentin: OH...uh, I followed Fiona, she said she was coming to pick you up, and, uh...how old is Sev?

Catty: Not that it's any of your business, but he's 19. *Picks up her book bag and attempts to start off toward Fi, but Quentin somewhat stops her.*

Quentin: Why isn't he picking you up?

Catty: Oh dear god...perhaps because Fiona had to come to the house, anyway? He does, normally, because it's the easiest thing to do.

Quentin: He doesn't live with you anymore?

Catty: Should it matter to anyone else aside from me and Sev?

Quentin: Well, I...no...19? Isn't that too old--

Catty: *Exhales sharply and cracks her wand over a chair, glaring and looking all cute and stuff* Quentin, just go. Leave. I already had to deal with people who were so incredibly against my choices that they close to ruin some kind of aspect of my life, I don't really want to have you doing it to. You know what, I don't even want to talk to you. I don't want to see you in the same room that I'm in, okay? I have moved on, hell it's been a DAMN long time since I thought of you as more than just an old friend. After you kissed me...I can't take it, okay, I don't know what the hell happened, or why I didn't slap you right off the bat, but whatever it was, I had to tell Sev. I had to fear for my relationship because you can't just LET IT GO. I'm over you. Moved on. I have a guy that I love, a guy that, quite frankly, I think I could stay with forever, a guy that cares about me. Oh, and, guess what, he isn't you! *Starts stomping off, wand still clutched in her hand. It's fun.* If I were you, I would find someone interested. It was nice when I was still trapped with Cynthia, but to be to the point, I'm rather sick of you now. *Follows Fi out the door...Quentin gets muttery and eventually walks off, while a few of the last members of drama watch him with disgust. Catty's new friends are the bestest.*

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-10-14 22:07

Me: OH! So, you know how weird the house is?

Josh: *Glances up and nods slightly*

Me: WELL, they're having these weekly poker games now...and the muses randomly decide who plays...and, well, you're one of them! *Tries to look excited and make him think it's really really cool*

Josh: Uh...*Odd look* Okay...

Me: It won't be bad. I mean, you know Drake...you met him before....

Josh: *Deadpan* If clearing our throats and sending each other glares counts as meeting, than sure, honey, we're the bestest of friends.

Me: *Sigh, collapse into his lap* It'll be good, you and Drake have yet to rip out each others throats, so I do kinda wanna see how long that lasts....

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-10-04 21:55
Mood: cranky


You heard me.


If I have to put up with anymore of this STUPID homework, I'm just gonna rip off everyone's heads. I can do it, Dad will cover for me, he has a big yard...

And I miss Sev. I would like to note...that I'm not going to spend my time pining for him to come back the next day, but it's odd for him to not be somewhere in the house. And it takes a bit for me to fall asleep now. But I still have him, and that's all that really matters I guess...

Talked to Mrs. Foxx today. She still rocks beyond all belief, she pulls me out of math to randomly talk to me. Usually about nothing...today topics seemed to hover around Sev, the party (apparently there was some intense booze-age after a while and a bunch of kids are in trouble for it, so she knows...) and therefore Quentin. And Trisha and Toby. Yes. I'm not sure WHY she talks to me so much, most counselors are supposed to just be there for the kids, aren't they? Not that I care. Tis fun, anyways.

This is a pointless muse post, made only for Maddy's amusement and procrastination. I'm going to be here A LOT during November. *Growls.*


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-09-24 21:58
Subject:Catty (kinda)

After the game, Catty and Kristy spotted each other in the parking lot. This followed.Collapse )

(Note - I'm not supposed to talk here, I know, but I must say...I got pissy. Kristy just went all out bitchfest, and she would NOT shut up. Got annoying, but just gah...)

(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

Date:2004-09-23 20:44
Mood: hyper

Umm...I'm a...cheerleader?

I still have no idea HOW...there's actually a whole thing in my school where have to fill out all these papers and pay all this money and wait until next year to be at games...but, uh, not for me...

Well, actually, I'm not a real cheerleader. I'm a temp. I'm going to be at a game tomorrow, and if they need me after that then I'll go to other ones. But I guess a whole mess of people either just moved, or got sick, or quit...I don't know the details, but I do know that Stef and Naomi nearly killed me as I walked out of school to call for a ride....asking how much I'd cheered before, and I told them I did it for a year. Yeah, that made them all happy and they dragged me off to get me an outfit. It's all cute and stuff...maroon and white...and all short.

I'm actually kinda excited...I missed cheering, but at my old school, I was hated by everyone in that circle at the time I could have tried out, so I just forgot about it. Hmm...screaming and randomly jumping around. I can't wait.

Oh, yes, there's a downside. The game is an "away" game. At the hell hole across town.

I really don't want to see anyone from there. They all hate me. Mr. Sexual Harassment is bound to be there, just because he'll either be on the team, like last year, or stalking everyone. *Sigh*

And Kristy's still a cheerleader. Oh, joy.

BUT. I'm a temp cheerleader. I'M HAPPY, DAMNIT.


(How Many Voices Do You Have?)

my journal